school holidays. again.

Today was a really, really tough day. Mr. Blemish worked so I was by myself with the kids. Blossom is going through a very clingy, frustrated, fussy phase (which always seems to happen around 9 months) and is permanently attached to my hip during waking hours. This is exhausting as she is no longer a tiny newborn but a heavy, squirmy, active baby who pulls my hair and whacks me on the face. In addition, my 10 year old demands entertainment (it takes him a few days to get used to the slower pace of the holidays). My almost 4 year old has decided to begin the "f**king fours" a few weeks early. My almost 7 year old is sweet, thank goodness, but still demanding in the way that a special needs child always is. On days like this I think "How did I end up here in life?!"

We did a crazy visit to the library to get books and DVDs and we lasted about 10 minutes and caused so much noise, mess and disturbance I'm amazed we weren't forcibly removed! I'm sure people look at me (stressed, frazzled, slovenly mother) in stunned bemusement and think "I'm so glad I'm not her!" However, tomorrow is another day and Tuesday is another and on Wednesday we are going away for a few days of "rest & relaxation". I'm looking forward to it so much and trying to forget that the day after we get back Mr. Blemish has to go to Perth for a week (for work) and that my witching hours babysitter will no longer be working for me... I'll be taking it one very long day at a time.

oh blossom

Darling Blossom,

You may be last but you are not least. At 7 months you are a complete and utter delight. You are my happy, "go with the flow" baby and you always have a beaming smile for everyone. At the supermarket, as I wheel you around in the trolley (which you love because you can sit up straight and kick your legs), you will grin your gummy smile and grumpy old men will melt and come up to babble with you. Your eyes light up in delight when your brother or sisters come over to play with you (they all adore you). You have so many sweet characteristics. You hold your legs out straight and point your toes like a ballerina when I change your nappy. You squawk if I leave you when you don't want to be left and beam when you successfully communicate your desire and I come back. You laugh when I get your bottle ready because you know warm milk is on its way. Sometimes I feel like your babyhood is zooming by too fast. I am so distracted by all the other things I need to be doing, that I sometimes feel I don't have enough time to connect with you. Life is busy, but I'm so glad you are a part of it. I can't imagine a world without your sweetness and cuddles. You belong in our family and we belong to you.

Love, Mama

the motherhood journey

It is school holidays here and life is busy. Sometimes I'm not quite sure how I do it... four kids aged between 6 months and almost 10 years who need to be kept entertained, fed, clothed, cleaned etc. They each have such different needs and yet somehow it gets done and they are all reasonably happy and healthy ;) If you told me 9 years ago that I would still be caring for a baby in 9 years time I think I would have flipped out, but now it is second nature and I know I will miss having a baby in the house when Blossom moves out of babyhood and into toddlerdom. It will be the end of an era and an important phase of my life will be over. While I look forward to all that the future holds it will be bitter sweet to leave these intense baby/toddler/little kids years behind.

Life is a constant juggling act, but it is a juggling act that I love. Sure I'll be glad when the 5am wake up calls are a thing of the past, when the tantrums, tears and bickering aren't an hourly event - but there is something special about the under 5 set - an honesty, immediacy and purity that I love. I know that I'll never have this closeness to them again, nor this importance in their lives. There are days when I see my friends who now have all their children at school and are enjoying new found freedoms that I do feel a sense of longing and anticipation... but having 9 years between my oldest and youngest child means that I already have had a taste of the future. I have a 9 year old boy who no longer needs (or wants) a kiss and cuddle at night, who is embarrassed by his mother and has a whole life that does not include her. Sure he *needs* me (to remind him to wash behind his ears and to drive him to footy training) but it isn't quite the same. His inner world no longer has me at its centre in a starring role. Now I'm a bit player, who pops up in random scenes (eg, a "she's late!" school pick up scene or a "where's my school uniform?!" moment).

And then there's the unconditional love of the under 4 set. My mother in law once told me that women keep having babies because 3 year olds are so delightful and it is rather wonderful to have a full time admirer and to be the focal point of someone's world. I'm sure there is something to this. When Poppet tells me who much she loves me and kisses me and hugs me and am filled with warm fuzzies. I am all powerful in her eyes. My kisses fix her hurts and my hugs banish the monsters hiding under her bed. My soft belly is always there for her to nestle into - it is safe and secure and steady - reassuring her that all is right with the world and her place in it. I've lost a lot of that power with Willow and Spinner - and it so hard for me to see my children hurting and not being able to do anything much about it. Spinner prefers to solve his problems on his own and his inner world is largely a mystery to me (he's too much like me in that regard) and Willow has struggles and frustrations that are hard for me to fathom, let alone resolve.

Still I'm working at enjoying this life long motherhood journey, every step of the way.... and I'm sure there are plenty of unexpected joys lying ahead. Life will surprise me!

report time

You know you've chosen the right school for your special needs daughter when her school report makes you smile and feel good ... no matter that her grades are low. Comments like this, "Willow is a determined and motivated student who always tries hard to achieve her best..." and this, "Willow has a friendly and caring nature towards others and enjoys socialising with her peers..." make me feel so proud of her and so pleased that we chose this school for her. We've been so happy with the school's caring and inclusive approach to learning that we have decided that Poppet and Blossom will go there too (rather than attend the local public primary, which Spinner attends). Poppet had her admission interview last month (she will start in January 2011) and I am already excited for her. She is going to love school.

We spent quite some time chatting the the school principal about what having a sibling at school will mean for Willow. We were a little concerned that the school might require her to repeat grades, which could make things a little tricky. As it is, Poppet is already starting to surpass Willow in some areas and we have no doubt that she will do well at school (academically & socially, which are both areas of challenge for Willow). However, the principal has made it clear that Willow will not repeat any grades, but will be socially promoted and given a modified academic programme as she progresses. High school will be difficult for Willow, no matter when she attends (whether it be at 13 or 14) so he saw no advantage in having her repeat a grade now. In addition give how tall she is (99th percentile) and how aware she is of where she *should* be (ie, in grade one heading into grade two) he fears that we could actually do damage by having her repeat a grade. I'm so glad that we are on the same page on this issue. My goal is to have her make it through school with her self esteem intact. I think it will be a challenge, especially in high school, but at least we have started off in the right place.

enjoy it while you can

I just had a whirlwind girls' weekend in Melbourne... and now I'm dealing with the return to reality. Nothing like landing with a thud. I have to give due credit to Mr. Blemish who coped with four kids (two with ear infections) by himself for 48 hours - which makes for a pretty long and demanding weekend. While he was administering antibiotics and paracetamol, I was staying here, dining out here and here, shopping here and here and checking out these exhibitions. 48 hours of bliss :)

foolish

I feel a little foolish starting a new blog. I barely have time to attend to basic hygiene these days - let alone sit down and write reflective/touching/meaningful posts about my crazy days. Still, life goes by so fast that I feel it slipping through my fingers and I'm scared I will forget everything if I don't occasionally write about the children. I also think it will be therapeutic to start putting some of the thoughts that bounce around my head all day long onto "paper".

So now we are six and so far I'm keeping my head above water most days (although there are many, many times when I feel like I am drowning). The primary person responsible for my sanity is J, who I hired last October to help out each weekday evening. Mr. Blemish usually doesn't get home until 7pm so I needed the additional support during the evening witching hours. J (who is studying to be a teacher) comes at 4pm and stays until 7pm. She is a godsend. She plays with the kids, supervises their homework, baths them and packs their school lunches (my most hated chore!) She also tidies, folds laundry and helps to cook dinner. Unfortunately, looking after my little terrors did not scare the living daylights out of her as she got pregnant earlier this year and is due to have a baby this November...

Blossom with be 6 months old this Friday. She is a pretty easy baby - apart from a few reflux issues (she's on Zantac) - and has always slept reasonably well and has been pretty content to be carted around to cricket/footy/swimming etc. which I'm afraid will be the ongoing theme of her early childhood. The other three children adjusted well to her arrival. Poppet found it hardest and felt the lack of attention keenest, but quickly decided she relished no longer being the "baby". She and Willow now share a bedroom and have become much closer because of it. Spinner surprised me with his general interest in Blossom. He loves to hold her, play with her and bath her. I had thought that a sport obsessed nine year old boy would not be terribly interested in another little sister, but evidently I was very wrong.

Okay, it is time to head off for my daily school run. On Wednesday I collect Willow, Spinner and Poppet from their respective schools (three different locations), I then take Spinner to footy training and take the girls home. I get dinner on and then duck out again to collect Spinner from footy training... welcome to my life.

now we are six

I've decided it is time to start writing again. I've decided I need a new space and a fresh start... so "little blemishes" it is. Ready, set, go!